Search This Blog

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Should this blog be called, "import a widow, or export a widower"?

So, the title of this blog is the dilemma that I've been debating...  I meet these amazing widows online, but they don't live locally, they usually live across the country.  The people that do live locally, well, I haven't come across too many amazing ones.  Well, this was what I was thinking when I named this at least.  Of course back then I was also sort of dating a widow that didn't live locally, and debating the logistics and ROI of actually helping to relocate someone to where I am.  A lot has changed since then, we broke up, she slandered me in the online widow community, I've reevaluated who and what I am looking for, all in all I think it was a good educational experience.  I've always had a certain attraction to women in certain professions, the nurturing ones, nurses, teachers, child care, mental health.  My late wife spent half her working life in child care and the other half as a social worker, her dream was to be a child social worker in the schools.  Well, this is something I should stick with, because this last widow was an unemployed business woman, and well, right from the start a certain something was missing.  I also learned that cute is better than hot, but I think it goes hand in hand with the nurturing thing, because I think I see cute in a nurturing person.  Cute and hot is good, but hot alone doesn't work.  I also saw a local divorcee a few times, she was sort of in a related employment field, and she is a mother, but she was just a little too odd for me.  Again, a learning experience, I've had people find things I've done in public to be embarrassing, well, they had never met her, but I have a new respect for their feelings, and now pay more attention to my own actions.  I had been sticking with widows because we tend to understand one another, our emotions and such, well she didn't seem to have a problem in that regard, but then again we only went out a few times.  I'm still inclined to think that I'll form a stronger bond with a widow.  I've also gone back to my thinking that a mother is a better option, mainly because they're more understanding of the limitations on time that having children encompasses, and the fact that especially for a sole parent their needs absolutely are the first priority.  Now that being said, the folks that meet all my other criteria, even if they don't have their own kids, well, they probably do get it, so that might not be as much of an issue in real life as it is in my head.  I think that the issues I had for the first person I had briefly dated who was jealous of my daughter has left a certain bitterness towards women in their 30's who have never married and had children.  Now unmarried women without children in their 20's is another story, and what guy who is a 30 something wouldn't love to get himself a 20 something.  I assume however that most of those 20 somethings probably have better prospects than a 30 something widower with a child.  But there are a few teachers at my daughter's school that I'd gladly take on a date if they were interested, but I'm not about to ask, that could make for a volatile environment, and she loves her teachers, of course that's probably why I do think about it, these ladies already love my daughter and she loves them.

So her teachers aside, the same issue still exists though, a certain lack of selection here at home.

Ok, so here is the current deal, there is this one nice person I've been talking to online for a while, but she's currently in the relationship, and while we did meet once, and got along great, I have a gut feeling that even if she was single that it would be more a friendship than a relationship, but I'm not sure, sort of on the fence about the potential there.  Then there is a local widow who I guess I sort of have a crush on, we're in a bereavement group together, but her loss was only a few months ago, so it would be a long time before anything could come of that, and that would be assuming that when and if she is looking to date at some point in the future that she'd even be interested in me.  That's just a few too many ifs at this point.  Then there is a widow from online, now this one doesn't like across the country like the last one that I had met at widow camp, this one is right in the next state, with no traffic only a 2 hour drive.  This would be much more feasible.  She is cute, hot, nurturing, a mother, and a pediatric nurse, now if that doesn't fit my stereotype for a match I don't know who does.  The problem is that like all of the other amazing young widowed mothers I've met online she's firmly planted where she is.  Her kids are in school there, their friends are there, her job is there, her house is there, and her family and her in-laws are there.  My job is here, my family is here, and my inlaws are here.  My daughter doesn't have a ton of friends yet, she's still in pre-k, so she's going to be switching schools soon anyway, and I don't have a house here, and honestly without a wife and a second income couldn't really afford to buy around here anyway, and even then it'd be a stretch.  Granted me late wife is here, in the ground, and her husband is portable sitting on a shelf.  This is where the non widowed folk cringe and think we're nuts, and the widowed folk agree that this is something to be considered.  But like I said, it's only a 2 hour drive, if either one of us moved to the other's location, well, I'm sure there would be plenty of trips back and forth, like every other weekend at a minimum.  So I've been thinking about this a lot, the reality is that I'm the more portable one, I could move easier, at least in the near future before my daughter gets established in a school and makes friends there.  The big issue is my job, I do like my job, and it's not the kind of gig I'm likely to find anywhere else anytime soon.  So it would be a big change for me, and it would mean giving up my amazing benefits, and probably retiring early.  Now some of you may think that I'm over analyzing the potential for a future with a woman I haven't even met in real life yet, but there is a connection there.  When I met my wife I knew withing a few weeks that I would someday marry her.  I feel in love with her quickly and intensely.  Now while I am admittedly much more cautious now because it's not just me, but I have to think of my daughter, I still see that same potential here.  Now people will say things like if it's meant to be it will happen, or if you love one another enough you'll find a way.  Well that is true, and that's what I'm afraid of, if it is meant to be, if we do fall in love with one another, but we're 2 hours away and neither one of us is willing to change that, well that'd really suck.  One the same note, if one of us were to end up making a huge sacrifice to accommodate the other how would that play out, would the other person be supportive and appreciative enough to counteract any resentment about being the one to make the sacrifice.  Compromise if great, but in this case would involve a house boat in the middle of the LI Sound and two power boats for commuting, so that's not going to work here.

No comments:

Post a Comment