The Holidays

So the first holiday season the loss was fresh, I was consumed with making sure the headstone was in before the ground froze, getting the cemetery decorated, wrapping up all the stuff that she had already bought for our daughter, we threw ourselves into Christmas because it was something to distract us.  Last year I was into doing Christmas with my daughter, she was my little helper, she was into it, and I was more than happy to do it for her.  I did the shopping, which I enjoy, and the season really wasn't bad.  We did more decorating at the cemetery, there was something missing, but we did ok.  This year I'm just not feeling it, I love the holidays, but my daughter was more interested in helping the neighbors decorate yesterday than helping me, so why should I bother, it's not my house, if I'm not doing it for her then who am I doing it for.  If my wife were still alive by now we sure as hell wouldn't be living here, we'd have our own place somewhere, and I'd be decorating it the way I want, garland, white lights, classical Christmas, a few kid things for my daughter, but not the over the top everything colored look that they do here.  Or maybe not, it would depend on the house, and what my wife and daughter wanted, I'm flexible on the outdoors, for the tree inside though, and living room decor, I'm not as flexible.  I wish I cared more, but I'm having a hard time.  I don't feel like doing this all myself.  I'd like to be doing it with my wife, but I'm too logical for my mind to go there, I know she's dead and that isn't an option, so my longing isn't to have her here, it's to have someone here, even a good friend, someone to share the experience with, so that it's fun again, and doesn't feel like it's a chore.  I'm supposed to have more kids by now, my daughter needs other kids around, she wants other kids around, she'd be getting into decorating if she had other little people to do it with.  Not to mention that my life would be so much easier if she had little people to keep her company, I know that having more than one child makes more work for a parent, but it also makes it much easier in some ways...  Anyway, I guess we do need to get moving, it's 1pm and we haven't really started our day yet, because I just don't have the motivation anymore...