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Monday, November 7, 2011

The Empty Bed

Back when my wife was in the hospital, on the nights that I was home with my daughter, I'm sure that being alone in bed sucked, but she was still just a phone call away, and I was so tired that I'm sure I fell asleep before I could think about it much.  After she died, for a while my bed wasn't empty because my daughter often fell asleep there and I didn't always move her, I'm sure that a factor there was that I didn't want to be alone either, but she's been back in her bed for a long time now, at least until the early morning hours when she wanders in my room and I don't care where she is lying down as long as she'll let me go back to sleep for an hour.  Pretty much though for the first two years though I didn't dwell too much on how truly lonely it is to be alone in bed, especially if there is nothing worth watching on tv at night, or if I wake up early in the morning and am wide awake hours before I need to get up like this morning.  I really missed having someone there, even if they were sound asleep, just to cuddle up to and snuggle with.  I think this is brought on my a few factors, because in my typical fashion with the absence of someone to spoon this morning I sat here analyzing why now I suddenly long for this.  What I came up with is a multifaceted answer, where all parts are likely factors to varying degrees.  The first is simple, it's cold out now, the seasons are changing, and a warm body to intertwine with on a cold morning would be a wonderful thing.  With the changing of the seasons also come the holidays, and while I love this time of year, I also love spending it with someone, doing things with my daughter, doing things for my daughter, but I miss having a teammate.  That's getting off topic though, another part of it is that at this point I'm just ready, I'm ready for a new relationship, I'm ready to give (and hopefully receive) love, I'm ready to start writing the next chapter of my life, this isn't a new book, no cover has been closed, the previous chapters in this book have led me to where I am now, but there is more to write, one way or another future chapters will lead to a happy ending.  Those factors are surely the base for my feelings, but I think there is another factor that leads to the sort of sudden onset of this very lonely feeling, and that is that I actually believe there is someone out there who is a good match to fill this void in my life.  When you think you'll never find someone right, well, you sort of accept that you're alone, but when you think that there is someone, being alone just doesn't seem acceptable anymore.  This part makes sense in my head, not sure if my fingertips are explaining it so well though...  Time to get ready for work now...  I'll burden y'all with my stream of consciousness again later...

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