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Friday, November 18, 2011

A Powder Keg Of Emotions

So most of you know that I was supposed to have my big date tonight, and we'll deal with that in a minute, she's still not feeling well so that is up in the air, and I have mixed emotions about that.  So I was driving to work this morning, and I had ordered a new CD of Christmas Classics on Piano.  I love piano music.  I love Christmas music.  I pop it in after I dropped my daughter at school, cranked it up, so that the chords echo through the car.  Driving with music filling the car transports me to a different place, depending on the music and my mood that is either a tranquil reflective place or a very alive and vibrant place.  This was a tranquil and reflective place.  It took about 10 minutes and I had tears in my eyes.  I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy, I was just overwhelmed with emotions that need to get out.  One of my first realizations is that I miss going to church, especially during the holidays.  The problem is that it's not as easy as just going, the church I was a lifelong member of is down by my mother, I never joined a new church up here.  We were married, and my daughter was baptized in my wife's Catholic church.  Even though she wasn't really a practicing Catholic anymore, it was important to her family, and is where she wanted to be married, and it's not like I was active in a local church at the time as an alternative.  Gramma keeps saying she's going to bring my daugher to the Catholic church, and I'm ok with that, but it's yet to happen.  If I were to start bringing her to a different church I imagine there would be some comments and judgments made, not that I care, I just don't want to deal with the drama.

This train of thought gets me thinking about how I need to get out of this transitional place in my life, this perpetual purgatory of living with my in-laws and not having absolute control over my own life and my daughters.  Of how much happier and a better life we would have if we escaped the grasp of that house.  There is another side to it though, because it would be a totally different life, a life where we couldn't afford many of the things we enjoy now, because it would be tough to make ends meet on our own, and childcare would be a nightmare, not just a financial burden.  The other aspect I always consider is that I do want to move forward with my life, I want to have a new relationship, and I don't want to uproot my daughter and I twice.  This always leads me to be inclined to stay where we are for now, save some money, and hopefully meet the right person, fall in love, and move once, one major change instead of two.

This was just one aspect of this thought though, the church issue actually got me thinking about M.  About how she has a church she likes, that her children are involved in.  Thinking about how they're in their Christmas pageant made me long for all of the effort I used to put into doing all of the sound and lighting for the Christmas Cantata at my church, and got me thinking about how much I really enjoyed going to church during the holidays, and how this year I might actually drive all the way down to my old church with Hannah for the Cantata if they still do it.  Actually, I just checked, they have a website now, and a new pastor, music director, and organist.  The Cantata is on the calendar, for a Saturday that I have to work, but I'll be home with time to spare, it'll just be a lot of driving that day.  Anyway, thinking about how nice it would be just assimilate into M's life, go to church with them, just blend into their established routines, and how much easier it would be than finding a church as a stranger, and then developing a routine of going from scratch.

Ok, so I am a stream of consciousness thinker, and very tangential, so this got me to ponder a different issue, mind you this is all while I'm now crying and driving to work.  Ok, so I had mentioned earlier that M is still sick, and she wants to postpone our date, she's worried that she isn't at her prime because she's sick.  I understand that, but she's had a tough week, and I want to be there for her, I told her we don't have to go out, there is no pressure, that I'd be happy enough driving up and just giving her a hug for 1/2 hour.  For me this not knowing how we're going to hit it off, if we'll have chemistry in person, well it's really taking it's toll on me.  I don't handle the unknown well, if it's not going to work I just want to know sooner rather than later, the not knowing for me is worse than if it didn't work out.  In this case I'm not so worried about it because I'm pretty sure that this is sort of meant to be, but there is still the what if it's not.  I'm starting to think that this anticipation is raising my blood pressure and giving me my headaches and acid reflux, something I've never had an issue with.  I'm not sure if she realizes how much it doesn't matter to me if she's all dressed up or operating at her peak.  I'm long past that making a difference.  I'm hesitant to put this next part into words, but I will, but I'm also going to qualify it.  Actually let me also explain something else that I've been contemplating.

I have to keep grounding myself, reminding myself that I've only known her for a month, that we haven't met in person, that she does live in the next state, and that to have a life with her would mean uprooting mine.  So my mind has been operating in overtime trying to keep my heart in balance.  That said, if we do hit it off in person, and we both feel the same way, and we decide to pursue a relationship with one another, well, I know it won't take long for my heart to win.  I think I could fall in love with her very easily if I allowed myself to.   I have from time to time had to stop and make sure I'm not falling in love with the idea of M, and not M herself.  Does that make sense, the idea of a future, a family, a partner, and not the person.  I'm convinced that this isn't the case, because I resisted the idea of getting close to her based on the challenges, but as I got to know her better those challenges changed into opportunities, because of her, because I liked her enough to change my view on things that I had originally seen as roadblocks.

Oh, I said I was going to qualify this, so let me do that now.  I did say above, that "if we both feel the same way".  I do acknowledge that we are not really at the same point in our grief or in our lives.  I also acknowledge that there is a good chance that I am much more motivated to write that next chapter in my life, and open myself up to someone new.  That being said, if she doesn't feel the same way, if she simply wants to date and see where things go, I'm ok with that.  My mind can handle keeping my heart in check, for a while anyway.  It's important to me that in any new relationship I get into that both parties feel the same way and want the same thing, especially before any life altering decisions are made, especially ones that will effect children on both sides.  It's also important to me that the children be a factor and that they get along with one another and with both her and I if there is going to be a future together.

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