So this morning Gramma was all cranky because she was running late to get somewhere she didn't want to go to, because she allowed herself to get talked into it. When she gets home later she will be complaining that she didn't get anything done today. How is this our problem? It isn't, and its not fair that she's short with my daughter because of her own decisions. Then old Gramma comes downstairs, my daughter gets frustrated with her because she doesn't wear her hearing aids, and my daughter gets tired of repeating herself constantly , then she gets frustrated with my daughter because she can't figure out what she's talking about. Long ago I stopped playing translator, spending hours of my day repeating things that are not worth repeating. Old Gramma just doesn't care about making us all deaf, so we walk into the house regularly to two televisions that are both at maximum volume. Even then she can't hear them, not well enough to understand dialogue, she has multiple pairs of TV ears, which actually work, with which she can understand a TV show. She doesn't use them though unless someone fetches them for her, turns them on, turns down the TV, and guess what, that isnt my job either. So my daughter and I just spend our time in the basement or our rooms. This is even more so since she absolutely had to have a new dog. She is incapable of taking care of this dog, walking it, feeding it, even coexisting with it. So now she spends all day yelling at a dog that she had to have, a dog she still claims she wants, a dog that my MIL has to take care of, a dog that destroys everything it can get access to. Ultimately a dog that has everyone living like prisoners in a house that is supposed to be our home. It's not exactly a welcoming environment, not a place I'd even want to have friends over to, assuming that there was a place to have them, or that I had any.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Friends
So I may not have a whole lot of local friends, but yesterday proved I do have a handful of good online friends. Thank you everyone. I'm really ok, I just needed to vent. C reminded me that my feelings aren't unusual given the circumstances, that she'd feel the same way. Time will tell what the future holds, I'm just impatient at this point. There are certain things that I need to get done, things that have been put off for far to long, and I'm going to try to focus on them for the next few weeks as time allows. I've gotta go get my daughter and I ready for a last minute invite to a birthday party now so I'll write later...
Friday, November 18, 2011
No Date Tonight
So M is still not feeling well, so we called off tonight, or she did really, I was more than willing to come bring her tea and soup on her couch, but she wants to be feeling better for our first date, and I can understand that. I'm actually handling it better than I expected. Something just feels so right about "us" that I'm more ok with waiting than I thought I'd be. It could also be that it's what she wants, and what she wants is important to me. Don't worry, it's just her, I still don't give a damn about what just about everyone else wants, it's just that she's made the short list, and it's a very short list. Part of my problem is that I'm a big picture kind of guy, I see how one little thing effects all the others. For instance, I'll now spend tonight trying to reorganize my daughter's room, and moving some stuff down to the room in the basement. As far as the basement goes, I was going to build shelving down there, but have been holding off mainly because I haven't had time, but also because if there is a good possibility that my 2 year plan includes relocating, why would I spend the time and money building custom shelving. With all of the thinking I've been doing lately I'm pretty sure that even our short term plan will include moving, so the shelves won't be getting built regardless, I'll just hang some basic stock shelves to get stuff organized. Ultimately though I'm goal oriented, I need something to work towards. I'd like that goal to be streamlining out life and making us more portable in order to facilitate an easier relocation at some point in the future. While that will likely be the goal regardless, it would be nice to fit some people, locations, and circumstances into it to give me some real motivation to make it a reality. As time goes on circumstances will hopefully give it a time frame too, being as I know I work better, or at least more efficiently under pressure.
A Powder Keg Of Emotions
So most of you know that I was supposed to have my big date tonight, and we'll deal with that in a minute, she's still not feeling well so that is up in the air, and I have mixed emotions about that. So I was driving to work this morning, and I had ordered a new CD of Christmas Classics on Piano. I love piano music. I love Christmas music. I pop it in after I dropped my daughter at school, cranked it up, so that the chords echo through the car. Driving with music filling the car transports me to a different place, depending on the music and my mood that is either a tranquil reflective place or a very alive and vibrant place. This was a tranquil and reflective place. It took about 10 minutes and I had tears in my eyes. I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy, I was just overwhelmed with emotions that need to get out. One of my first realizations is that I miss going to church, especially during the holidays. The problem is that it's not as easy as just going, the church I was a lifelong member of is down by my mother, I never joined a new church up here. We were married, and my daughter was baptized in my wife's Catholic church. Even though she wasn't really a practicing Catholic anymore, it was important to her family, and is where she wanted to be married, and it's not like I was active in a local church at the time as an alternative. Gramma keeps saying she's going to bring my daugher to the Catholic church, and I'm ok with that, but it's yet to happen. If I were to start bringing her to a different church I imagine there would be some comments and judgments made, not that I care, I just don't want to deal with the drama.
This train of thought gets me thinking about how I need to get out of this transitional place in my life, this perpetual purgatory of living with my in-laws and not having absolute control over my own life and my daughters. Of how much happier and a better life we would have if we escaped the grasp of that house. There is another side to it though, because it would be a totally different life, a life where we couldn't afford many of the things we enjoy now, because it would be tough to make ends meet on our own, and childcare would be a nightmare, not just a financial burden. The other aspect I always consider is that I do want to move forward with my life, I want to have a new relationship, and I don't want to uproot my daughter and I twice. This always leads me to be inclined to stay where we are for now, save some money, and hopefully meet the right person, fall in love, and move once, one major change instead of two.
This was just one aspect of this thought though, the church issue actually got me thinking about M. About how she has a church she likes, that her children are involved in. Thinking about how they're in their Christmas pageant made me long for all of the effort I used to put into doing all of the sound and lighting for the Christmas Cantata at my church, and got me thinking about how much I really enjoyed going to church during the holidays, and how this year I might actually drive all the way down to my old church with Hannah for the Cantata if they still do it. Actually, I just checked, they have a website now, and a new pastor, music director, and organist. The Cantata is on the calendar, for a Saturday that I have to work, but I'll be home with time to spare, it'll just be a lot of driving that day. Anyway, thinking about how nice it would be just assimilate into M's life, go to church with them, just blend into their established routines, and how much easier it would be than finding a church as a stranger, and then developing a routine of going from scratch.
Ok, so I am a stream of consciousness thinker, and very tangential, so this got me to ponder a different issue, mind you this is all while I'm now crying and driving to work. Ok, so I had mentioned earlier that M is still sick, and she wants to postpone our date, she's worried that she isn't at her prime because she's sick. I understand that, but she's had a tough week, and I want to be there for her, I told her we don't have to go out, there is no pressure, that I'd be happy enough driving up and just giving her a hug for 1/2 hour. For me this not knowing how we're going to hit it off, if we'll have chemistry in person, well it's really taking it's toll on me. I don't handle the unknown well, if it's not going to work I just want to know sooner rather than later, the not knowing for me is worse than if it didn't work out. In this case I'm not so worried about it because I'm pretty sure that this is sort of meant to be, but there is still the what if it's not. I'm starting to think that this anticipation is raising my blood pressure and giving me my headaches and acid reflux, something I've never had an issue with. I'm not sure if she realizes how much it doesn't matter to me if she's all dressed up or operating at her peak. I'm long past that making a difference. I'm hesitant to put this next part into words, but I will, but I'm also going to qualify it. Actually let me also explain something else that I've been contemplating.
I have to keep grounding myself, reminding myself that I've only known her for a month, that we haven't met in person, that she does live in the next state, and that to have a life with her would mean uprooting mine. So my mind has been operating in overtime trying to keep my heart in balance. That said, if we do hit it off in person, and we both feel the same way, and we decide to pursue a relationship with one another, well, I know it won't take long for my heart to win. I think I could fall in love with her very easily if I allowed myself to. I have from time to time had to stop and make sure I'm not falling in love with the idea of M, and not M herself. Does that make sense, the idea of a future, a family, a partner, and not the person. I'm convinced that this isn't the case, because I resisted the idea of getting close to her based on the challenges, but as I got to know her better those challenges changed into opportunities, because of her, because I liked her enough to change my view on things that I had originally seen as roadblocks.
Oh, I said I was going to qualify this, so let me do that now. I did say above, that "if we both feel the same way". I do acknowledge that we are not really at the same point in our grief or in our lives. I also acknowledge that there is a good chance that I am much more motivated to write that next chapter in my life, and open myself up to someone new. That being said, if she doesn't feel the same way, if she simply wants to date and see where things go, I'm ok with that. My mind can handle keeping my heart in check, for a while anyway. It's important to me that in any new relationship I get into that both parties feel the same way and want the same thing, especially before any life altering decisions are made, especially ones that will effect children on both sides. It's also important to me that the children be a factor and that they get along with one another and with both her and I if there is going to be a future together.
This train of thought gets me thinking about how I need to get out of this transitional place in my life, this perpetual purgatory of living with my in-laws and not having absolute control over my own life and my daughters. Of how much happier and a better life we would have if we escaped the grasp of that house. There is another side to it though, because it would be a totally different life, a life where we couldn't afford many of the things we enjoy now, because it would be tough to make ends meet on our own, and childcare would be a nightmare, not just a financial burden. The other aspect I always consider is that I do want to move forward with my life, I want to have a new relationship, and I don't want to uproot my daughter and I twice. This always leads me to be inclined to stay where we are for now, save some money, and hopefully meet the right person, fall in love, and move once, one major change instead of two.
This was just one aspect of this thought though, the church issue actually got me thinking about M. About how she has a church she likes, that her children are involved in. Thinking about how they're in their Christmas pageant made me long for all of the effort I used to put into doing all of the sound and lighting for the Christmas Cantata at my church, and got me thinking about how much I really enjoyed going to church during the holidays, and how this year I might actually drive all the way down to my old church with Hannah for the Cantata if they still do it. Actually, I just checked, they have a website now, and a new pastor, music director, and organist. The Cantata is on the calendar, for a Saturday that I have to work, but I'll be home with time to spare, it'll just be a lot of driving that day. Anyway, thinking about how nice it would be just assimilate into M's life, go to church with them, just blend into their established routines, and how much easier it would be than finding a church as a stranger, and then developing a routine of going from scratch.
Ok, so I am a stream of consciousness thinker, and very tangential, so this got me to ponder a different issue, mind you this is all while I'm now crying and driving to work. Ok, so I had mentioned earlier that M is still sick, and she wants to postpone our date, she's worried that she isn't at her prime because she's sick. I understand that, but she's had a tough week, and I want to be there for her, I told her we don't have to go out, there is no pressure, that I'd be happy enough driving up and just giving her a hug for 1/2 hour. For me this not knowing how we're going to hit it off, if we'll have chemistry in person, well it's really taking it's toll on me. I don't handle the unknown well, if it's not going to work I just want to know sooner rather than later, the not knowing for me is worse than if it didn't work out. In this case I'm not so worried about it because I'm pretty sure that this is sort of meant to be, but there is still the what if it's not. I'm starting to think that this anticipation is raising my blood pressure and giving me my headaches and acid reflux, something I've never had an issue with. I'm not sure if she realizes how much it doesn't matter to me if she's all dressed up or operating at her peak. I'm long past that making a difference. I'm hesitant to put this next part into words, but I will, but I'm also going to qualify it. Actually let me also explain something else that I've been contemplating.
I have to keep grounding myself, reminding myself that I've only known her for a month, that we haven't met in person, that she does live in the next state, and that to have a life with her would mean uprooting mine. So my mind has been operating in overtime trying to keep my heart in balance. That said, if we do hit it off in person, and we both feel the same way, and we decide to pursue a relationship with one another, well, I know it won't take long for my heart to win. I think I could fall in love with her very easily if I allowed myself to. I have from time to time had to stop and make sure I'm not falling in love with the idea of M, and not M herself. Does that make sense, the idea of a future, a family, a partner, and not the person. I'm convinced that this isn't the case, because I resisted the idea of getting close to her based on the challenges, but as I got to know her better those challenges changed into opportunities, because of her, because I liked her enough to change my view on things that I had originally seen as roadblocks.
Oh, I said I was going to qualify this, so let me do that now. I did say above, that "if we both feel the same way". I do acknowledge that we are not really at the same point in our grief or in our lives. I also acknowledge that there is a good chance that I am much more motivated to write that next chapter in my life, and open myself up to someone new. That being said, if she doesn't feel the same way, if she simply wants to date and see where things go, I'm ok with that. My mind can handle keeping my heart in check, for a while anyway. It's important to me that in any new relationship I get into that both parties feel the same way and want the same thing, especially before any life altering decisions are made, especially ones that will effect children on both sides. It's also important to me that the children be a factor and that they get along with one another and with both her and I if there is going to be a future together.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Anticipation
I was sick last week, M is sick this week, but we made plans to meet, and as of now we're still planning to follow through with them. Actually, in just 25 hours I should be getting into my car to start me weekend with our first date, first meeting actually. To say I am excited about getting to meet in person after an amazing month of communicating via electronic mediums would be an understatement. I mean each time my phone chirps I smile thinking it might be a text from her, which almost 1/2 the time it is, but my GMail makes the same sound, so spam has become a real disappointment.. LOL.
I'm trying not to stress. I mean to ponder things like is it really best to meet at the end of what has been a really rough week for her, while she's still under the weather, but then I reflect on how badly all I wanted to do was be there for her each time she had an issue this week, and realize that this is my chance to be there for her now. Or to think about what type of long term ramifications this first in person meeting could ultimately have on the rest of my life, or the impact that us hitting it off could have on so many people in my life over time. Or to stress about how I know my daughter is going to try waiting up for me, and how I'm sure my MIL will be full of questions when I get home, and how I'll likely hear from them both during the evening, and will have to decide what to tell them, decide how much to share about where I am. I don't want to keep it a secret, but mentioning that I'm willing to travel to another state to see someone, well that will inevitably lead to a question about how that would work, am I planning on moving, is she, am I going to bring my daughter there with me, what about her kids, etc.
These are all issues that I've spent plenty of time thinking about, and have decided to put on hold. They are issues I'm happy to discuss with M and some other folks, they are not issues I feel like discussing with my MIL at this point in time, because ultimately, nothing she has to say about the matter is really going to matter, I'm going to do what I'm going to do, and when I need to make a decision I will, and that will be it.
So yeah, I'm looking forward to this date, not looking forward to some of the backlash I'm sure will come, but I'm willing to deal with it. I should probably be more nervous that I am, but honestly I'm really feeling pretty confident that we're going to hit it off. I suppose that ultimately that sets me up for a huge disappointment if I'm wrong, but that's something else I'm not going to stress about right now.
I'm trying not to stress. I mean to ponder things like is it really best to meet at the end of what has been a really rough week for her, while she's still under the weather, but then I reflect on how badly all I wanted to do was be there for her each time she had an issue this week, and realize that this is my chance to be there for her now. Or to think about what type of long term ramifications this first in person meeting could ultimately have on the rest of my life, or the impact that us hitting it off could have on so many people in my life over time. Or to stress about how I know my daughter is going to try waiting up for me, and how I'm sure my MIL will be full of questions when I get home, and how I'll likely hear from them both during the evening, and will have to decide what to tell them, decide how much to share about where I am. I don't want to keep it a secret, but mentioning that I'm willing to travel to another state to see someone, well that will inevitably lead to a question about how that would work, am I planning on moving, is she, am I going to bring my daughter there with me, what about her kids, etc.
These are all issues that I've spent plenty of time thinking about, and have decided to put on hold. They are issues I'm happy to discuss with M and some other folks, they are not issues I feel like discussing with my MIL at this point in time, because ultimately, nothing she has to say about the matter is really going to matter, I'm going to do what I'm going to do, and when I need to make a decision I will, and that will be it.
So yeah, I'm looking forward to this date, not looking forward to some of the backlash I'm sure will come, but I'm willing to deal with it. I should probably be more nervous that I am, but honestly I'm really feeling pretty confident that we're going to hit it off. I suppose that ultimately that sets me up for a huge disappointment if I'm wrong, but that's something else I'm not going to stress about right now.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Dating
I agree, with everything in today's widow's voice blog and the comments thus far, especially about not settling when dating, I've only dated a few people, dating is not something that I've ever really done, I sort of get to know a person, and then just end up in a relationship.
I, similar to Michelle, met my wife, knew she was the one, broke up, dated other people, and when we got back together it was to get married. The few ladies I've dated were "I want you to rescue me widow." and "Soon to be divorced awkward mother.", I don't really count the brief dating of my late wife's slightly older but never married friend around the 6 month mark, that was likely just loneliness, but it did get me past a hurdle involving the realization that, while not with her, there is a good chance that I will indeed be able to have a happy relationship one day. It just wasn't the time, not yet.
Fast forward a year. The later two dates were a valuable learning experience, with both there were loads of warning bells early on that they were not going to work, but it'd been almost 2 years, I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to do everything alone, it was great to have someone to go on an outing with, someone to take my daughter to the bathroom, and the second one had an absolutely adorable daughter herself, whom my daughter and I both enjoyed spending time with. I wanted the happiness that comes from coming home to someone again every night, sharing my life with someone, and them sharing theirs with me. But also realized that requires the right person. With both I did find myself thinking, I could make this work, this would be better than nothing, but that is no way to end up in a functional relationship. If I am going to get married again, I want it to be another successful outcome, yes, I do see my marriage as successful, being widowed by a long term illness is the epitome of following through on your vows, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do us part, check, check, check, can I get one of those shiny star stickers on my marriage license? Did we have some issues, sure, but really who doesn't. I do not want anything less than what I had the first time though, the second time around, there is no reason to settle, in fact, it's not just me anymore, my daughter is a factor now, so my criteria need to be high. I actually decided that I'd take a break, see who maybe just falls into my life. I was starting a bereavement group, I had been invited I think as one of two "experienced" widowed folk, which is good, I don't mind sharing my experiences, and it'd be good to get to meet some other local widowed parents. I've got plenty on my plate anyway, so I'll get some stuff done, be productive. So that is what I did, for a brief while.
Now I have a lot of widow friends on facebook, we probably all do, we are a cohesive community. A few weeks back, one of these widows, who at the time I didn't even realize was one and the same with someone I had previously conversed with briefly over in Widville, posted a picture with a comment. I just happened to see it in my news feed and in my usual sarcastic way left a comment. This led to a little light hearted back and forth, and I didn't think much more about it, after all while this widow is really cute, and looks to be "my type" (another lesson I learned from dating, we have a type of person we're attracted to for a reason, stick with it), but she was in the next state, like almost 2 hours away, and that's if there is no traffic in NY. I had already come to terms that us widowed parents are pretty firmly planted where we are, the kids are in school, they have their friends, we have our jobs, we have our families and our in-laws, we have our support systems, not to mention there are memories there, cemetery plots there, etc. There is more than one widow mother in WV who I think I'd hit it off with, but they're 1/2 way or more across the country. It just isn't going to happen.
Or could it, granted we're not talking half way across the country, for those of you who have read my first post here, you have an idea where I'm going with this. Two days later we were both online, this cute widow who had posted the not so cute picture. We had a lengthy conversation that also started over a FB comment, now I'm a number person but don't give signs as much credit as some do, but the 22nd has always been a number for me, as well as doubles, for the last 10 years or so, mainly because my wife and I went on our first date on 11/22, and both of our birthdays were also double their month. So the fact that our first conversation was on the 22nd, exactly one month shy of this 10 year mark, well, I was conscious of it. Add to that, by the end of our conversation that night, I was thinking to myself, so how bad is a 2 hour car ride really. In the weeks since we've chatted a good deal, I've done a lot of thinking, and have come to a solid conclusion, even if she isn't "the one" (which hasn't been ruled, but we do still need to meet in real life and see how that goes), there definitely is someone out there that is. Someone that wouldn't be settling. Someone who I truly think is amazing, and will think the same about me.
I find myself now at a place I haven't been at in a very long time, those of you who know me well, well, you know I very rarely care what anyone thinks of me. With the exception of one person, I did always care what one person thought, in fact, what they thought of me probably mattered as much as what I thought of me, to the point that I often suppressed what came out of my mouth, thought more about my actions, etc. I'm sure that you've guessed that person was my wife and most people would tell you that her effect on me was a good thing. Even with people I've dated, especially the ones post loss, I certainly had a this is me, take it or leave it attitude, complete cockiness, a mindset that someone else wasn't worth even the slightest compromise of who I am. I'm finding myself more cognizant of myself though lately, and not because I'm trying to win someone over, it's because I care, that super obnoxious comment that I might have made, what purpose would it serve? Not to sound cliche, but sometimes, another person actually makes you want to be a better person, not that I'm saying I'm not a great person already, I doubt you'd ever hear that come out of my mouth.
I want to reflect a little on some of the date descriptions that Michelle mentioned in her blog post for a minute, because I do worry about if I am close to being some of them. Yes, I am a fixer, but I don't think that I'd ever be seen as "I will fix you man." Maybe more as I will come fix your house man. I don't see being a widow as something in need of repair, I mean I'm a widower, it's part of who we are, we don't have a desire to erase the past. I do have a desire to have a future though and she does mention something about this man that I do worry about, he was so motivated to "fix her" that she felt pressured. As anxious as I am to meet this widow in real life, I don't want to pressure her into something she isn't ready for. I am a few months further out, but I also had months of pre-grieving. Now everyone reaches different points at different times, and there are differences between men and women, but you could make a case that I'm a good six months further out than her. I do worry that my eagerness to meet and see where this can lead, could do two things, the first is if she's not ready it could push her away, lead to avoidance, and run the risk of ruining something that could have been before it even had a chance. The second thing I worry about is giving in to pressure, I think this would be less of an issue, she's a strong woman, and the distance factor would make avoidance much easier. With this second scenario though I'd be worried that doing something before you're ready might be destined for long term failure down the line, and that wouldn't be good either. It's hard to be patient about something that you're excited about, but I'm trying. I've told her that I think she's worth waiting for, and to let me know if she needs me to back off. I hope that she would tell me, and talk about it, rather than avoid it.
Lastly, I'll admit that "delegation man" sounds like a good idea, but that's because I do need a neurotic woman to keep me on schedule, make sure I take care of things, but I'm looking for a relationship and a partnership, as much as certain jobs like making sure my daughter gets registered for dance class, or sending out invitations for her birthday party might be best handled by her, whomever she may be (both are things I forgot to do until the week of) I see plenty of things as jobs that should fall on me, like shoveling snow, taking out the trash, or pretty much anything else that she sees fit to remind me to do. As far as being an additional child, yeah, maybe I am, but I'm a pretty useful one who pulls my own weight.
I, similar to Michelle, met my wife, knew she was the one, broke up, dated other people, and when we got back together it was to get married. The few ladies I've dated were "I want you to rescue me widow." and "Soon to be divorced awkward mother.", I don't really count the brief dating of my late wife's slightly older but never married friend around the 6 month mark, that was likely just loneliness, but it did get me past a hurdle involving the realization that, while not with her, there is a good chance that I will indeed be able to have a happy relationship one day. It just wasn't the time, not yet.
Fast forward a year. The later two dates were a valuable learning experience, with both there were loads of warning bells early on that they were not going to work, but it'd been almost 2 years, I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to do everything alone, it was great to have someone to go on an outing with, someone to take my daughter to the bathroom, and the second one had an absolutely adorable daughter herself, whom my daughter and I both enjoyed spending time with. I wanted the happiness that comes from coming home to someone again every night, sharing my life with someone, and them sharing theirs with me. But also realized that requires the right person. With both I did find myself thinking, I could make this work, this would be better than nothing, but that is no way to end up in a functional relationship. If I am going to get married again, I want it to be another successful outcome, yes, I do see my marriage as successful, being widowed by a long term illness is the epitome of following through on your vows, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do us part, check, check, check, can I get one of those shiny star stickers on my marriage license? Did we have some issues, sure, but really who doesn't. I do not want anything less than what I had the first time though, the second time around, there is no reason to settle, in fact, it's not just me anymore, my daughter is a factor now, so my criteria need to be high. I actually decided that I'd take a break, see who maybe just falls into my life. I was starting a bereavement group, I had been invited I think as one of two "experienced" widowed folk, which is good, I don't mind sharing my experiences, and it'd be good to get to meet some other local widowed parents. I've got plenty on my plate anyway, so I'll get some stuff done, be productive. So that is what I did, for a brief while.
Now I have a lot of widow friends on facebook, we probably all do, we are a cohesive community. A few weeks back, one of these widows, who at the time I didn't even realize was one and the same with someone I had previously conversed with briefly over in Widville, posted a picture with a comment. I just happened to see it in my news feed and in my usual sarcastic way left a comment. This led to a little light hearted back and forth, and I didn't think much more about it, after all while this widow is really cute, and looks to be "my type" (another lesson I learned from dating, we have a type of person we're attracted to for a reason, stick with it), but she was in the next state, like almost 2 hours away, and that's if there is no traffic in NY. I had already come to terms that us widowed parents are pretty firmly planted where we are, the kids are in school, they have their friends, we have our jobs, we have our families and our in-laws, we have our support systems, not to mention there are memories there, cemetery plots there, etc. There is more than one widow mother in WV who I think I'd hit it off with, but they're 1/2 way or more across the country. It just isn't going to happen.
Or could it, granted we're not talking half way across the country, for those of you who have read my first post here, you have an idea where I'm going with this. Two days later we were both online, this cute widow who had posted the not so cute picture. We had a lengthy conversation that also started over a FB comment, now I'm a number person but don't give signs as much credit as some do, but the 22nd has always been a number for me, as well as doubles, for the last 10 years or so, mainly because my wife and I went on our first date on 11/22, and both of our birthdays were also double their month. So the fact that our first conversation was on the 22nd, exactly one month shy of this 10 year mark, well, I was conscious of it. Add to that, by the end of our conversation that night, I was thinking to myself, so how bad is a 2 hour car ride really. In the weeks since we've chatted a good deal, I've done a lot of thinking, and have come to a solid conclusion, even if she isn't "the one" (which hasn't been ruled, but we do still need to meet in real life and see how that goes), there definitely is someone out there that is. Someone that wouldn't be settling. Someone who I truly think is amazing, and will think the same about me.
I find myself now at a place I haven't been at in a very long time, those of you who know me well, well, you know I very rarely care what anyone thinks of me. With the exception of one person, I did always care what one person thought, in fact, what they thought of me probably mattered as much as what I thought of me, to the point that I often suppressed what came out of my mouth, thought more about my actions, etc. I'm sure that you've guessed that person was my wife and most people would tell you that her effect on me was a good thing. Even with people I've dated, especially the ones post loss, I certainly had a this is me, take it or leave it attitude, complete cockiness, a mindset that someone else wasn't worth even the slightest compromise of who I am. I'm finding myself more cognizant of myself though lately, and not because I'm trying to win someone over, it's because I care, that super obnoxious comment that I might have made, what purpose would it serve? Not to sound cliche, but sometimes, another person actually makes you want to be a better person, not that I'm saying I'm not a great person already, I doubt you'd ever hear that come out of my mouth.
I want to reflect a little on some of the date descriptions that Michelle mentioned in her blog post for a minute, because I do worry about if I am close to being some of them. Yes, I am a fixer, but I don't think that I'd ever be seen as "I will fix you man." Maybe more as I will come fix your house man. I don't see being a widow as something in need of repair, I mean I'm a widower, it's part of who we are, we don't have a desire to erase the past. I do have a desire to have a future though and she does mention something about this man that I do worry about, he was so motivated to "fix her" that she felt pressured. As anxious as I am to meet this widow in real life, I don't want to pressure her into something she isn't ready for. I am a few months further out, but I also had months of pre-grieving. Now everyone reaches different points at different times, and there are differences between men and women, but you could make a case that I'm a good six months further out than her. I do worry that my eagerness to meet and see where this can lead, could do two things, the first is if she's not ready it could push her away, lead to avoidance, and run the risk of ruining something that could have been before it even had a chance. The second thing I worry about is giving in to pressure, I think this would be less of an issue, she's a strong woman, and the distance factor would make avoidance much easier. With this second scenario though I'd be worried that doing something before you're ready might be destined for long term failure down the line, and that wouldn't be good either. It's hard to be patient about something that you're excited about, but I'm trying. I've told her that I think she's worth waiting for, and to let me know if she needs me to back off. I hope that she would tell me, and talk about it, rather than avoid it.
Lastly, I'll admit that "delegation man" sounds like a good idea, but that's because I do need a neurotic woman to keep me on schedule, make sure I take care of things, but I'm looking for a relationship and a partnership, as much as certain jobs like making sure my daughter gets registered for dance class, or sending out invitations for her birthday party might be best handled by her, whomever she may be (both are things I forgot to do until the week of) I see plenty of things as jobs that should fall on me, like shoveling snow, taking out the trash, or pretty much anything else that she sees fit to remind me to do. As far as being an additional child, yeah, maybe I am, but I'm a pretty useful one who pulls my own weight.
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